Mending the Friendship Wound

Question: who are your closest friends today? 

Follow up question: how far back do you go with them? Last year? College? High school? Elementary school? Your days in diapers? 

Whether you go as far back as 3rd grade or 3 months ago, I invite you to take a moment to think of your fondest friends right now - your Hype Crew. If you feel like it, maybe even send them some loving thoughts through the ether.  

It’s hard to admit this, but maintaining meaningful friendships, especially with women, had never been a strength of mine. Now, in this journey of self-development and healing, I understand that my struggle can be traced back to attachment wounds that I’ve carried from my childhood trauma and my earliest experiences with girls in elementary and junior high. Aptly named the "Friendship Wound,” it can leave us feeling isolated, disconnected, and unsure of how to form close relationships with others.

The common patterns that emerged from my attachment wounds: people-pleasing, self-abandonment, and masking. These patterns made it hard to form deep, meaningful connections with people because my desperation to belong at a very young age led me to become a chameleon, shifting my persona to fit into a context. And somewhere along that dark way, the self-abandonment disconnected me from my sense of Self. These are behaviors that I carried with me until very recently when I first started unpacking my traumas.

Interpersonal violations that occur in our childhood and developmental years can have a lasting impact on our adult lives: the wounds, and how we responded to those woundings, become encoded in our nervous systems. For example, maybe a five-year-old girl learned that she could keep her mother from becoming angry by not expressing her needs. Maybe this same girl, now in seventh grade, knows if she just laughs with her bullies when they make fun of her braces, they’ll leave her alone, even if it makes her feel ugly. And then maybe two decades later, if she buys everyone coffee in the morning in spite of having $2 in her account, she thinks everyone will like her and she’ll therefore be able to keep her job.

Without an awareness of these lifelong patterns, we might just accept these self-abandoning, people-pleasing, fawning responses as who we are, or that wanting to take care of others is simply in our nature (it’s definitely in mine!). The thing is, life has taught me that there’s a fine line between nurturing kindness and patterns of people-pleasing, fawning and self-abandonment: the former, we act on out of love, compassion, and choice. The latter, we might default to because we crave to feel safe, to feel accepted, like we belong: feelings that might have gone unfulfilled during childhood. The nervous system has learned, over a lifetime of experience, that these behaviors are what’s necessary to ensure our survival. And because we’re not used to prioritizing our own needs, we might internalize the discomfort we experience as there being something wrong with us, and/or we might even dismiss the discomfort in service to survival (an example of self-abandonment). In doing so, we train our nervous systems to seek the external for our survival and care. This distrust in ourselves can make it difficult to trust others, or we may put too much of our trust into relationships unworthy of that trust: we give our power away.

So, what are some things we can try to mend the Friendship Wound and find a sense of belonging and community with others?

1. Find support. A trauma-trained coach, support group, or therapist can help you work through past attachment wounds and develop tools to form healthier relationships.  There are tons of resources out there, free and paid. An important step to empowering yourself is to seek out and receive the support you need and deserve, and everyone deserves to be supported. And remember: healing happens in the body, not just the mind. So of course, I highly encourage exploring all the different modalities available to regulate the nervous system: breathwork, yoga, acupuncture, exercise, dance, the list goes on. Selfish plug: holler at your girl for some powerful breathwork! This beautiful practice was a double-win for me and is now a sacred, foundational component in my self-care and spiritual practices: it helps me to regulate my nervous system, establishing a sense of safety in my body: a game-changer which set the foundation that allowed me to begin practicing self-trust, which then empowered me to build trust with others. The cherry on top: I found friendship in a community of like-souled women who are all dedicated healers who passionate about sharing this powerful healing modality with their communities.

2. Practice self-compassion: CHOOSE YOURSELF. Give yourself permission. Celebrate yourself. Hype yourself up. This can really help to remedy people-pleasing and self-abandonment. Some of us were raised to not have boundaries, or our nervous systems learned to people-please or fawn as a way to survive. Start with small acts of self-love. Maybe it’s a new routine like a 10 minute foot soak after a hard day’s work, or a nice cup of chamomile tea with your favorite, soothing, sensual playlists before bedtime. It's important to prioritize our own needs and boundaries, even if it feels uncomfortable or unfamiliar at first.

3. Okay, this is big: What do you like to do for fun? Is there anything you’re curious to explore or learn more about?  Focusing on shared interests and joining groups or activities based on your interests can be a great way to meet other people who share your passions and hobbies. And let go of any shame you might have towards being curious about a topic. Because spoiler alert: it’s HUMAN to be curious!  If I hadn’t allowed myself to explore my  curiousities about spirituality, astrology, and self-healing, I wouldn’t have any of the amazing friends I have right now!  It’s really different, making friends in adulthood, and it can be a sticky road to navigate for someone with attachment wounds, which is why it’s important to seek and receive support. 

4. Lastly, be patient; cultivating emotionally safe and mature relationships takes grace and compassion for yourself as much as it does for others. It requires us to trust ourselves first. It takes time and effort, but with awareness, intention, and a willingness to be vulnerable, it is possible to overcome the friendship wound and to find a sense of belonging with others.

Mending this wound is tender work; it’s a matter of the heart and the soul. All spiritual and emotional healing takes courage and a high level of self-awareness. By recognizing how our friendship wounds manifest in our relationships, by trusting ourselves, and communicating openly and honestly, we can work towards cultivating deep and meaningful connections with our fellow humans.

Each of us is worthy of love and connection, and we have the power to create positive change in our life and relationships. Remember: you deserve to heal from past hurts so that you can build new, healthy connections that fill your cup with overflow and nourish your spirit. 

PS: There are possible indicators for the friendship wound and other challenges, as well as remedies, in our astrological birth charts.

In an upcoming post, I’ll dive deeper into the friendship wound through the lens of the cosmos.