The masks we wear
Who are you when no one’s around to see you?
What did you want to be when you grew up? Little me would often answer that with astrologer, or astronomer, or astronaut. I had always felt a deep spiritual fascination to the cosmos: I was obsessed with the movie, Space Camp, the Griffith Observatory was my favorite hangout, and it took days to emotionally recover when E.T. finally went home. In the summer evenings, I’d linger in the backyard to peer into the dark and pick just the right glimmering stars to be my friends until I got yelled at to come back inside. All I wanted to know what existed far beyond what we could ever touch.
If you’re a child of immigrants, you might be able to guess how my Filipino family felt about those aspirations: It wasn’t practical to become an astronomer or astronaut, let alone an astrologer. And gradually, my friendship with the stars morphed into friendships with other young humans who didn’t share the same love for the cosmos that I did. It made me feel different, and I didn’t like feeling different.
In our years leading into adulthood, we might have felt an enormous pressure to fulfill academic and then financial standards that had nothing to do with what we wanted for ourselves. Maybe you hid your Teen Beat and Bop magazines from your parents, but your Honors English and Pre-Algebra books were laid conspicuously open on your desk. You might have sat in Sunday Mass, secretly questioning the messages you were hearing every week, but there you were, at the front pew singing Hallelujah with the choir. And maybe just this Monday you didn’t talk about the huge emotional release you had from your Reiki session over the weekend, even though it brought you unparalleled peace. But hey, how about that Celtics game 7 blowout?!
As we mature, we can become increasingly conditioned to layer on one mask after another to help conform to external standards and expectations. We learn that we need to be a certain way to be accepted by others, and we start to hide our true selves to avoid rejection or judgement. This can create an inner disconnection that can make it challenging to find fulfillment in life.
We might pride ourselves on a well-developed ability to make micro-adjustments to our behaviors, depending on who we’re with or where we are, like chameleons. Of course, this ability to situationally adapt and flex is needed in our daily interactions.
What I’m referring to is the discontent that occurs when we use our masks to hide from who we truly are. We might’ve become so attached to the many masks we’ve accumulated over time, that it’s created an inner disconnect from our true self: we’ve abandoned ourselves. Self-abandonment becomes detrimental to our overall sense of wellbeing, and can contribute to mental health conditions and emotional distress such as:
Depression
Anxiety
Low self-esteem
Feelings of isolation
Lack of self-trust
Here’s the thing - you have the power and agency to free yourself of these masks when you choose to. The essence of who you are, your childlike wonders and curiosities, your passions ... your light - it’s all there. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been buried away, it’s always within, waiting to be called on like an old friend who never left your side.
When you’re ready, here are some steps you can take to (re)discover and (re)connect with your true self:
First, regulate your nervous system: If you’re an overthinker like me, there’s a cacophony of "voices" telling you all the things - what you should do, who you should be, where you should go. You should, should have, shouldn’t ... you get it (remember the rambling “voice” of Charlie Brown’s teacher?). Overthinking is a sneaky response to the amygdala hijacking your nervous system, kicking it into overdrive to fight or flee. When the nervous system is operating at this intensity, the body has few resources to do anything else but survive, diminishing access to the higher mind. There are countless techniques for regulating the nervous system, which simply means creating a sense of calm, safety and groundedness at the physiological level. This recent study even shows that breathwork (cyclic sighing) can be even more effective in creative positive affect - a good mood - than mindfulness and meditation.
Let go of self-judgment and get curious about yourself: What patterns or beliefs do you have about yourself that don't make you feel good? What truly lights you up when you think about it? What do you love about yourself?
Identify your masks (what roles do you play?): A helpful way to identify this could be to fill in the blanks here: Whenever I become (role), people seem to (desired response). For example: Whenever I become stern and act aggressively, people seem to take me seriously. Once you take an inventory, decide what feels true to your nature, and what feels like a role you have to play and that you're ready to let go of. It would be very helpful to have the support of a mental health coach or therapist to support you in creating safety and resilience as you peel back and explore the layers of these roles.
Most importantly, be patient with yourself. What we’re working through is a lifetime and generations of patterns and expectations that were encoded in us, and it takes time and grace to process. Give yourself the permission to exhale, to simply be, and to lovingly see who it is that looks back at you in the mirror, when no one else is around to see you.
